When Abuse Feels Like Love: How to Recognize It and Find Your Way Out:

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I received a message from a lady who wished to remain anonymous. She said:


"Please help! I'm trapped in an abusive relationship with my boyfriend. He controls me a lot financially and emotionally. He even beats me sometimes. I'm scared and don't know where to turn or how to leave this relationship. I desperately need advice. I feel lost and alone."


Her message hit me deeply. It wasn’t just her words, but the pain and desperation behind them. If you’ve ever been in a similar situation or know someone who has, you know how overwhelming and isolating it can feel. 


It’s a hard truth to swallow, but many people in abusive relationships don’t always realize what’s happening until they’re already deep into it. Abuse doesn’t always start with violence, it’s usually not noticed. It begins with control, manipulation, and emotional harm that slowly erodes your sense of self-worth and independence. And once you’re caught in that web, you might find a hard time leaving. 



How Abuse Creeps In

Abuse often starts small, so small you might not even notice it at first. Maybe it’s comments about how you dress, who you spend time with, or what you do. Before you know it, those comments become more frequent, more critical, and harder to ignore. Then, the control extends into other areas of your life; your finances, your decisions, even your freedom to leave the house or meet friends. 


When someone controls your money, it’s not just about having power over your wallet, it’s about having power over your choices. 

It becomes harder to leave when you don’t have the financial resources to stand on your own two feet. And when emotional manipulation is added into the mix, you may start to believe the lies you’re being told; that you’re not good enough, that no one else would want you, that this is somehow your fault.


It’s not your fault.


The anonymous lady in the message mentioned that her boyfriend controls her financially and emotionally. This combination of control makes it incredibly hard to even think about leaving. On top of that, the physical violence adds another layer of fear. It’s no wonder she feels trapped.



Why It’s So Hard to Leave

Leaving an abusive relationship isn’t easy. From the outside, it might seem like the obvious choice, but for someone on the inside, it’s a complex and terrifying decision. The fear of what might happen if you leave can feel just as suffocating as the abuse itself.


There are so many reasons why it’s hard to leave:

- Fear of Retaliation: Abusers often threaten their partners with even worse consequences if they try to leave. They might promise to harm them, take away their children, or ruin their lives.


- Financial Dependence: If your partner controls your finances or has isolated you from job opportunities, leaving might mean starting over with nothing. That’s a terrifying prospect for anyone, especially if you have children or no support network.


- Emotional Manipulation: Many abusers make their victims feel like they’re the problem or that they won’t survive without them. They twist reality to make you question your own judgment and keep you dependent on them.


For anyone feeling trapped in this cycle, it’s important to understand that “abuse is never your fault.” It’s never justified, and it’s never something you “deserve” because of something you did or didn’t do. This is not love.



Finding Your Way Out - Steps to Take

If you’re in an abusive relationship, the most important thing to remember is that you are not alone. There are people who want to help you, even if it doesn’t feel right to you. Here are some steps you can take:


1. Tell Someone You Trust: Whether it’s a close friend, a family member, or a counsellor, let someone else know what’s happening. Keeping everything inside makes the situation feel even more isolating, but sharing your story can be the first step toward finding a way out.


2. Make a Safety Plan: If you’re worried about immediate danger, think about how you can leave safely. You might want to gather important documents like your ID or passport, set aside some money if possible, and plan where you can go if things escalate.


3. Reach Out for Professional Help: There are many organizations dedicated to helping people in abusive relationships. They offer confidential advice and can connect you with resources like shelters, legal support, and counselling. You don’t have to go through this alone.


4. Remember Your Worth: This might be the hardest part, but it’s crucial. Abuse can make you feel worthless, broken, and weak. But you are none of those things. You are strong and bold. You deserve a life free from fear and control. And even if you don’t believe it right now, there is a way forward.


You Deserve Better

The anonymous lady’s message echoed something I’d heard many times before. So many women (and men, too) are trapped in relationships where they feel powerless. They stay because they’re scared, because they’ve been convinced they can’t leave, or because they don’t know where to go.


But you deserve better. You deserve a life where you feel safe, loved, and respected. A life where you can make your own choices without fear of punishment. A life where your worth isn’t tied to someone else’s control.


I know that leaving isn’t easy. It might take time. It might take small steps, and it might feel like you’re walking through darkness. But there is light on the other side. There are people who care, and there are resources to help you. The first step is believing that you deserve a better life, and you do.



You Are Not Alone

If you see yourself in this story or know someone who might be going through this, remember: there is help. You are not alone in this fight. There are people who understand what you’re going through and can help guide you through it. 


If you feel trapped, like the lady who reached out to me, start by taking that small, brave step of reaching out to someone. 


Even if it feels impossible, even if you don’t know what’s next, the simple act of talking to someone can begin to open doors. You don’t have to figure it all out today. Just take one step.



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